At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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