you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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