My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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