first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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