literally had 100 drinks last night.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Randomize
