this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
