i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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