I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
