I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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