It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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