Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
