a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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