tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
