I swear she didn't look like that last week.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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