I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
