Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
