It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
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Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
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Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
please don't ironically join a cult
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