so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
