pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
