Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
