I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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