I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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