last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
