dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
