just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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