went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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