he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
