I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
