I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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