Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
