im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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