I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
