seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
