i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
last night I used snow as a chaser
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
