see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
