Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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