i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
