so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
