Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
