why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
