if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
