my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
