And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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