kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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