1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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