theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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