yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
