ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
