Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So many bounce houses so little time
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
