Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
