Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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