Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
