I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
