she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Never underestimate the power of titties
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize