I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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