I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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