3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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