Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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